Monday, September 8, 2008

Fell off the wagon

Or should I say "fell off the wagon and trampled by the horses"? This summer was unproductive. I literally did 5 days of work. My Husband has traveled for 2.5 months since mid-May, my daughter has been out of daycare for 4.5 weeks between a trip to the in-laws and 2 rounds of illness, and I have just been plain tired-out. I know I spend much of my energy worrying -"I need to finish to go back to work because we need more money", "I need to go back to work because 15 months at home with a baby has made me insane", "I need to finish so that I can enjoy my life" - along with keeping up the house and doing ALL the domestic work and being constantly reminded by my husband how much this endeavor of mine is costing. My mind is so cluttered with all this worry that I can't concentrate.

My Mother suggests putting my daughter in fulltime daycare and leaving the house to work. I agree, but that requires a new laptop for my programs (most of my analysis is MatLab modeling) and for my duaghter to be weaned from breastfeeding (yeah, I NEVER excepted to do that this long, but that is how it worked out). So that may not happen before her 18 month mark- November.

Yes, my husband nagging me is not helping. And you would think, with him being so intellegent, he wouldn't be so stupid as to add to my stress. And we have talked about it. He seems to have convienant amnesia about our conversations. And I know he carries stress too- his job has paid for everything for 5 years. Then add a baby.

Okay, vent and pity party over. I just need to adapt to less sleep for the next year or so- I have to get this work done sometime and I need to take advantage of my evenings. Hey, I can hack sleep depravation, I had a baby for God-sakes.

5 comments:

FlyBaby at Work said...

This sounds tough... I am so sorry you are having rough times! All I can say is put your blinders on, so you see only one task at a time. Have you thought about asking someone to watch your daughter for just 1-2 hours in the morning? Your mind is probably fresher in the morning, so you can get more done in less time. Plus you will always have a guilt-free feeling for the whole day.

I'm sorry your husband is so... ahem... not very understanding. This is difficult to change, especially if he's been feeling stressed out for awhile. All you can do is to move forward and choose to see your situation in the positive light for yourself. It sounds like you agree with his critique...

little birdhouse in your soul said...

I think all of us could write the same entry, just changing the distractions (for me it has been divorce and aging pets). Life doesn't particularly play well with grad school! Perhaps a good start would be to shoot for even one or two small blocks (perhaps a couple/three hours a shot)of time for this week, then build up. It is so hard to get back into it and the longer you wait the harder it is. As women (and grad students), we have a tendency to beat ourselves up, then set unattainable goals, and then beat ourselves up again because we didn't meet our goals. I have found that finding the cheerleaders in our lives can really help. It might not be who you'd like it to be, but you might be surprised who can serve that role for you.Hang in there and know that you can do it!

jerry'sdaughter said...

I bet most of us fall off the wagon for a spell in the course of pursuing our doctorates. Don't quit. You started for a reason and that reason still exists despite husband, baby and other demands. Find support, support yourself as the other posters suggest. I found it helped me a lot to focus on "what I have to do today" rather than let me get overwhelmed by looking out at the bigger view. I can read a chapter, write a page, find a resource. That is do-able. You can do it, keep going!

Bionic-Woman said...

I agree with little birdhouse...life rarely plays well with doctoral-ing. I vote for you taking some actual time off to recharge your batteries so you return to it without feeling drained.

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